Softened Cement: Intimacy in the Urban Environment

Cities, where many now reside, paradoxically breed isolation. The UN reports 55% of the global population lives in urban areas, projected to reach 68% by 2050. North America, the most urbanized continent, has 82% in urban regions. Despite high urban concentrations, a substantial number feel lonely. Toronto Foundation's report states 28% of Canadians feel lonely at least three days a week, Toronto leading at 37%, Vancouver at 28%, and Montreal at 17% (Ayer 11). Sexual minority men, too, face loneliness, with 13-24% experiencing it most or all the time (Salway, Travis, et al.). The question arises: why does a heightened sense of loneliness persist where vast populations gather?

In this essay, I examine how modern cities are built, how alienation emerges, and how intimacy is found in the city. Furthermore, I explore how different demographic groups have subverted this alienation and how masculinities ultimately find intimacy within the urban environment.

I stroll through the streets, pondering over how the city is an example of men’s hardened hearts, built with hardened materials, with durability and order in mind and whose effect leaves those who live within the city feeling lonely, alienated and lacking intimacy.

The Modern City: History, Materials, and Design

Concrete, steel, asphalt, and plastic are the predominant materials in modern urban landscapes. Modernity brought the technology and, thus, the ability to build with more durable materials. The origins of construction can be traced back to the need for environmental control and climate moderation (Chang, Pao-Chi, et al.). Early building materials of the Stone Age, such as leaves, branches, and animal hides, were perishable and easy to transport or gather with nomadic cultures. The Renaissance revived Roman and classical forms, leading to the "ideal city" concept of order, symmetry, and balance (Urban Design Lab). This concept has continued until today. Still, over time, advancements in technology, access to materials and the dawn of settlements led to the utilization of more durable substances like clay, stone, and timber, and eventually, as modernity set in, synthetic materials such as brick, concrete, metals, asphalt and plastics (Urban Design Lab).

Buildings commonly take on a soaring rectangular form, with some cities competing to showcase the world's tallest structure, as exemplified by iconic landmarks such as Dubai's Burj Khalifa. The urban environment relies on robust materials and visually embodies a towering and explicit expression of phallic symbolism, evident in the skyscrapers that dominate the cityscape.

Throughout history, men have dominated city planning, architecture and construction fields (Flannagan 2). However, urban activist Jane Jacobs and planner Robert Moses famously had polarizing opinions on urban planning. Where Jacobs emphasized the importance of organic community-driven development and mixed-use diverse neighbourhoods and opposed large-scale urban renewal projects, Moses, on the other hand, advocated for centralized large-scale infrastructure projects, usually prioritizing vehicles, to shape and modernize the city no matter what community displacement was necessary in achieving this (Paletta). In an attempt to stop a Moses-proposed 10-lane highway through SoHo from being built in the neighbourhood that Jacobs lived in, she organized on a grassroots level to have this stopped (Paletta). During this process, Moses vehemently stated: “There is nobody against this – nobody, nobody, nobody but a bunch of ... a bunch of Mothers!” And then he stomped out (Paletta).

In comparison to Jacobs, Moses represented the male-driven top-down capitalist approach to city building in the modern era. Jacobs, being an otherwise voice, was determined to make cities about people and communities. Jacobs writes in The Death and Life of Great American Cities:

This [city] order is all composed of movement and change, and although it is life, not art, we may fancifully call it the art form of the city and liken it to the dance – not to a simple-minded precision dance with everyone kicking up at the same time, twirling in unison and bowing off en masse, but to an intricate ballet in which the individual dancers and ensembles all have distinctive parts which miraculously reinforce each other and compose an orderly whole. The ballet of the good city sidewalk never repeats itself from place to place, and in any one place is always replete with new improvisations (Jacobs 50).

Jacobs did not see the city as a stage built for order and unison and defined by the singular gaze of the male ‘city builder’; she saw the city as a stage full of citizen dancers, all participating with their individual dances. She saw a grander composition of city life. This contrasts with Moses, who imposed infrastructure on city inhabitants to craft order and unison.

I am struck with an image: I imagine these male “city-builders” sculpting hardened phalluses into the skyline. Initially, when the sculptor was in tune with the changing seasons and the need to migrate with their food sources, the materials were softer and more organic – leaves, tree trunks, branches, and animal hides. However, once modernity set in, order, balance and efficiency contributed to the sculptors' vision of the ‘ideal city.’ Thus the city became made of solid, durable materials – concrete, steel, asphalt and plastic. Empowered by technology, they erected taller, stronger buildings, showcasing prowess. In this process, they imposed infrastructure, using concrete to dictate human pathways, creating a stark separation from nature and interpersonal connections. As city dwellers adapt to this unyielding environment, I envision their pericardium, the muscle surrounding the heart, encased in concrete and hindering connections. This results in an inability to connect with others, deeming empathy and sonder of ‘the other’ as unbalanced.

This image parallels my relationships with men: a hardened exterior focused on strength, efficiency and order that keeps us disconnected from our hearts and each other.

The Alienating City: Individualism and the “Other”

Georg Simmel contributed significantly to understanding modernity and its impact on social life. He explored how the shift from traditional, rural societies to modern, urban environments influenced social interactions, individual identity, and the structure of society. In his work, The Metropolis and Mental Life, he discusses the idea of urban alienation. According to Simmel, the city fosters a sense of detachment and individualism among its inhabitants (Simmel 12). In the city, individuals are surrounded by many people, yet there is a certain anonymity and indifference in social interactions. Simmel argued that this urban experience can result in alienation, where individuals feel detached from their surroundings and each other (Simmel 15). The fast pace of urban life, the fleeting and impersonal nature of social interactions, and the constant exposure to external stimuli contribute to isolation.

He writes, “Here in buildings and in educational institutions, in the wonders and comforts of space-conquering technique, in the formation of social life and in the concrete institutions of the State is to be found such tremendous richness of crystalizing, de-personalized cultural accomplishments and the personality can, so to speak, scarcely maintain itself in the fact of it” (Simmel 19). Simmel articulates how much modernity has transformed people's sense of identity. This included identity and our relations in urban settings, educational institutions, technological progress, social frameworks, and governmental structures. He notes a concern with the potential alienating effects of modernity on individual identity. While impressive, the richness of cultural accomplishments may lead to a sense of depersonalization and challenges for individuals to assert and maintain their unique personalities within modern life's vast and complex landscape (Simmel 18).

Simmel's insights into the alienating effects of modernity on individual identity lay the groundwork for scrutinizing how societal structures, including the built environment, exacerbate these challenges. Female, Indigenous and Homosexual perspectives have shed light on the historical divisions influencing the physical spaces of cities, underscoring a white, hetero-patriarchal capitalist perspective that has marginalized many within the public sphere.

The historical gender divide between men and women has contributed to a built environment that reflects a male-centric perspective. Women have been excluded from the public sphere of urban development. I have already stated how Jane Jacobs was dismissed for her community-minded ‘bottom-up’ approach. Maureen Flanagan, in her book Constructing the Patriarchal City: Gender and the Built Environment of London, Dublin, Toronto and Chicago, writes that it was men who:

...promoted a vision of the city that imposed a conceptual and geographical division between public spaces, intended mainly for men and their economic activities, and domestic areas reserved for family, home and women.... [Men] began inserting walls, hedges, and gates between the house and the street to spatially divide the productive from the reproductive while simultaneously delineating the private domestic spaces as those associated with womanhood containing things made intimate by their relegation to private, hidden spaces (2-4).

Furthermore, Elizabeth Wilson in her book, The Sphinx in the City: Urban Life, the Control of Disorder, and Women writes:

The city is “masculine” in its triumphal scale, its towers and vistas, and arid industrial regions; it is “feminine” in its enclosing embrace, in its indeterminacy and labyrinthine uncentredness. We may even go so far as to claim that urban life is actually based on this perpetual struggle between rigid, routinized order and pleasurable anarchy, the male-female dichotomy (7).

Both Flanagan and Wilson see the development of cities through a feminist lens and posit that the city, in the vision of man, was not a place for women, as men were trying to make the city a place of order and efficiency. For men, Flanagan and Wilson argue, women brought with them disorder and inefficiency. Men went about requiring control and modernization through a series of tactics (Flanagan 4-5). First, they implemented a spatial division between the workplace (site of production) and the residence (site of reproduction). Additionally, women faced limitations in travel, encountered barriers to accessing comprehensive university education or training in emerging professions such as architecture, and occupied a disproportionately small number of university positions. Finally, because men viewed the city as disorderly, they prioritized technological innovations such as bigger skyscrapers and advanced building technology. With these three tactics, men managed to fashion the city in their likeness while demanding the removal of any disorder, woman or otherwise.

Historically intertwined with the land, Indigenous worldviews emphasize a symbiotic relationship, maintaining balance among all human and other relations. Before European contact, Indigenous Peoples thrived in complex, self-governing territorial Nations across Turtle Island (North America), with sustainable economic systems tied to traditional governance (Siyám, Raphael 35; Kimmer). Economic practices focused on taking only what was needed and migrating with seasonal changes, devoid of monetary concepts (Siyám, Raphael 34). The advent of settler-driven capitalism led Indigenous communities to adopt labour roles in fur production, ultimately forcing them into urban centers (Siyám, Raphael 85; Glover).

As industrial capitalism gained momentum, Indigenous nations faced displacement, confinement to reserves, and Residential School placements under strict cultural, economic, and migration laws framed as part of the Indian Act (Coates). This forced assimilation illustrates how hetero-patriarchal capitalism confines individuals to serve its order. The diminishing access to food and resources compelled Indigenous nations, including the Huron-Wendat, Algonquin, Innu, and Haudenosaunee Confederacy, to participate in the capitalist labour market, leading to urban relocation (Simon 7). In 2021, Statistics Canada reported 801,045 Indigenous people in urban centers. Urban Indigenous communities endure daily alienation from colonization's effects, facing challenges such as police oppression, addiction, and legal battles (Department of Justice Canada). Shawn J. Bobb from the British Columbia Canadian Bar Association notes that misunderstandings and misperceptions contribute to Indigenous people avoiding the system or experiencing alienation, stemming from limited colonial knowledge or experience with Indigenous ways of life.

Homosexuals have long attempted to assimilate or disguise their sexuality. The idea of ‘passing’ as heterosexual was conceived, in part, as a form of self-preservation and safety. Lisa Duggan calls this “homonormativity” and writes: “Homonormativity is a politics that does not contest dominant heteronormativity assumptions and institutions but upholds and sustains them while promising the possibility of a demobilized gay culture anchored in domesticity and consumption” (79). Homonormativity, ultimately, kills queerness by assimilating homosexuals into the dominant heterosexual world. Jose Esteban Muñoz, in reflection on this idea, states:

On oil dance floors, sites of public sex, various theatrical stages, music festivals, and arenas both subterranean and aboveground, queers live, labor and enact queer worlds in the present[...] Can the future stop being a fantasy of heterosexual reproduction? (49)

He argues that homonormativity is the conservative homosexual’s retreat into the private sphere as a way to assimilate (54).

Examining these demographic perspectives highlights the modern city as more than a physical construct; it is a crucible of social and cultural constructs perpetuating alienation. The intersectionality of gender, cultural identity, and sexual orientation intertwines with the urban landscape, shaping the experiences of women, indigenous peoples, and homosexual men within the city's intricate web of power dynamics and societal norms.

Making Contact

In Cruising Utopia: the Then and Now of Queer Futurity by Jose Esteban Muñoz, the author contrasts two queer nightclubs in New York City: The Magic Touch and The Gaiety (56-60). The two bars vary in a variety of ways. The Gaiety adopts state policies before they are officially instituted, thus playing by the state's rules, whereas The Magic Touch does not explicitly follow state policies. The Gaiety has strict rules about physical touch between performers and patrons, going so far as to have security guards who patrol the bar to prevent physical contact. Private engagements can be had through discreet financial transactions. On the other hand, The Magic Touch allows for physical touch after contests and in their VIP basement. At The Gaiety, performers are exclusively white, tall and blonde with muscular builds and focus on ‘poses’ with a limited dance repertoire. At The Magic Touch, the performers and patrons are predominantly Latino and African American, with some lesbians and straight women in attendance. The performers present diverse dancing styles, including highly sexualized break-dancing (57).

The Gaiety creates an antiseptic and controlled environment with limited physical contact, catering to a specific demographic. In contrast, Magic Touch introduces a contest format, embraces diversity in performers, and allows for more dynamic and tactile interaction, especially in the VIP area, creating a more engaging and varied experience. This comparison is demonstrated through Muñoz's notion of ‘network relations’ (The Gaiety) and 'contact relations' (The Magic Touch).

Muñoz's exploration of 'contact relations' in the context of the sex trade economy challenges the standardized pathways dictated by heteronormative capitalism. It rejects the conventional norms of networking relations involving the exchange of sex for money, deviating from the prevalent narrative perpetuated by corporate American sex trade portrayed in media and advertising culture, as well as traditional institutions like heterosexual marriage. Muñoz argues that the hustler-john relationship, prevalent in establishments like Magic Touch, poses a threat to the normalized performances of sex for money. This threat arises, in part, from its potential to foster contact and connections between individuals of different class and racial backgrounds, disrupting established societal norms (Muñoz 59). 'Network relations' imply a structured and often transactional form of engagement where individuals establish connections based on specific rules, norms, and predetermined pathways. Muñoz uses the concept of 'network relations' to critique and challenge the conventional and commodified nature of interactions within the broader context of sexuality. It contrasts with 'contact relations,' which involve more dynamic, varied, and potentially disruptive connections that challenge established norms and power structures.

Muñoz describes what he calls the “late Disneyfication” of Times Square in the 1990s under Mayor Rudy Giuliani (53). At the time, Times Square was home to many adult businesses, including adult bookstores, adult theatres, strip clubs, and other venues that catered to mature audiences. Amidst these business elements was a relationship amongst citizens of the area that exemplified the idea of ‘contact relation’ – different classes and intersectional backgrounds would see and come into contact with each other in ways that counter the hetero-patriarchal capitalist ideal (53). As Giuliani enacted his “quality of life campaign,” he took steps to ‘clean up’ Times Square. Here, we suddenly saw the forced removal of differences, including poverty, homosexuality, people of colour and the sex economy of that area. In its place, we saw Starbucks, The Lion King: The Musical, big brand advertising and the move towards ‘network relations’.

The suburban tourists... are shuttled into the city in large tour buses. On the bus, they interact exclusively with other tourists who have decided to venture into the big city. These tourists might then take in a show – let us just say it is Disney’s The Lion King at a corporate-sponsored venue such as the American Airlines Theatre – and perhaps go out for dinner at a chain restaurant such as Applebee’s or Red Lobster. These tourists then hop on the bus and are safely deposited in their suburban homes. The only contact they have outside their class strata is with representatives of the service industry who take their tickets or serve their meals (Muñoz 53-54).

As men shaped the city to mirror their desires, the resulting emphasis on order and cleanliness compelled individuals to withdraw into private spaces, perpetuating 'network relations' over 'contact relations.' Pursuing the ideal city inadvertently fostered alienation, prompting marginalized groups to resist the dominant system through various means.

The Intimate Male: Cruising

It is 2001 and I find myself in a bathroom stall in the men’s bathroom at Edmonton City Centre Mall. I am 19 years old and have limited experience with gay men.

Alone in the stall, I heard the bathroom door open, and someone entered the adjacent stall. The sound of a zipper, pants coming down, and then he sits. I noticed his foot tapping under the stall. A sense of curiosity led me to tap my foot in response. He extended his hand under the stall, signalling an invitation. He unlocked his stall door. I hesitated. Eventually, I crossed over into his. Our lips, hands and bodies met. We became entangled in intimacy.

Cruising is the act of men seeking out sex from other men in public spaces. The term ‘cruising’ emerged as a code word that allowed those “in the know” to understand the sexual intent. Muñoz suggests that the acts of public sex were ‘rituals of reconstructed intimacy’ (Muñoz 51). These acts would be defined through the heterosexual gaze as perverse, and municipalities have often curbed this ‘disorder’ through policing under sodomy and perversion laws (Espinoza 21).

In my mind, men, although the sculptors of the modern city, have, as I mentioned before, poured concrete over their pericardium and thus have hardened their ability to be intimate with others and, most importantly, with each other. Cruising offers a different and counter perspective to male intimacy in the urban environment. Muñoz argues that these public sex acts were examples of men having a delicate intimacy and care for one another in public (51).

Ultimately, Muñoz states that the future is already in the present. This notion that men are not intimate with each other is false. Indeed, the heterosexual male rarely has moments of intimacy with another heterosexual male. This act of homosocial intimacy typically occurs in moments of celebration amongst men, as seen in a study by Michael Flood through gathered observations from eight separate stag night groups. The observations showed how these men worked to maintain and strengthen their friendship bonds by “striving for group cohesion, togetherness and intimacy, rather than interpersonal competition and creation of male hierarchies” (Flood 3). Samuel R. Delany’s memoir The Motion of Light in Water describes a moment of cruising he experienced.

At those times, within those van-walled alleys, now between the trucks, now in the back of the open loafers, cock passed from mouth to mouth to hand to ass to mouth without ever breaking contact with other flesh for more than seconds; mouth, hand, ass passed over whatever you held out to them, sans interstice; when one cock left, finding a replacement – mouth, rectum, another cock – required moving the head, the hip, the hand no more than an inch, three inches (103).

Delany details how the men in this urban setting supported each other through physical offerings and by demonstrating self-care that extended to a profound, intimate connection with other men.

As Espinoza writes in Cruising: An Intimate History of A Radical Pastime, “[Cruising] grew from a collective desire to connect, to experience any act of intimacy, no matter how fleeting and despite the risks involved (55).” As I navigated the years of my youth, my experience at the Edmonton City Centre Mall bathroom was more than just a hormonal – some might say ‘perverse’ or ‘risky’– desire to get off with someone. In fact, it was my first encounter experiencing intimacy with another man in the urban environment.

Conclusion

Men erected towering skyscrapers to shape the city as a symbolic extension of their desires. They constructed efficient, straight roadways and rectangular buildings, all centred on the ideals of growth, productivity, and individualism. This meticulous crafting utilized hardened materials to create an 'ideal city' by eliminating disorder. However, this pursuit inadvertently fostered a sense of alienation in our identities within the urban environment. Many individuals have experienced this alienation and devised ways to counter its effects.

I invite the words of Michael Warner as I close this essay:

Queer politics, in short, isn’t always or only about sexuality. More generally, one might even want to say that sexuality isn’t always only about sexuality, that it is an autonomous dimension of experience. The demands and strategies of queer politics are burdened by – which also means motivated or energized by – less articulate but still powerful demands that have to do with the organization of social and public life. In a similar way, feminist and racial movements, along with the lesbian and gay movement, are frequently animated by displaced frustrations with atomizing conditions of market-mediated life, frustrations that find expression in the otherwise misleading and damaging ideal of ‘community’ (221).

Different demographic groups that have felt the alienation of the hetero-patriarchal capitalist-crafted city have found ways to counter its impacts on their social connections. The act of cruising, in particular, serves as a vivid example of how men can cultivate intimacy in public spaces while also countering the dominant system that is imposed on homosexual men.

In conclusion, the relentless pursuit of imposing masculine desires on the urban landscape through symbolic structures, capitalist endeavours, and the quest for order has resulted in the estrangement of marginalized groups and others. Paradoxically, this alienation has also fueled a determined resistance among 'the other'. As individuals strive to reclaim their right to the city, they navigate a complex interplay of societal expectations and their own desires, exemplifying the resilience of the human spirit against the rigid structures of the urban environment. Through acts of subversion, whether in the form of cruising or otherwise, individuals assert their agency and challenge the dominant narratives, paving the way for a more inclusive, less lonely, urban experience.

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